Todays Fun

Who or what did he mean ?
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they’re finally together." Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."
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Embarass me at you PERIL

A very shy guy goes for a drink at his local gay bar and sees a cute young lad alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to him and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which the young lad responds by yelling, at the top of his lungs, "No, I won’t sleep with you!" Everyone in the bar stared at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the young lad walks over to him and apologises. He smiles at him and says, "I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT YA MEAN YOU WANT 200 QUID FOR A BLOW JOB?"
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Moan Moan Moan That's all I ever hear

George came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his b/f Cyril "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." Cyril looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, George said, "Quick, bring me another beer, It’s gonna start." This time Cyril looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, George said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." That’s it! Cyril blows his top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave fetching you beers. Don’t you realize that I cook, clean, wash and iron all day long?" George sighed, "Oh no, it’s f*ckin started!!"
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Dear lord please help ME

One day a non-believer of Jesus was walking through the woods and this bear charges him and the guy trips and he says "Dear lord please help ME". So the guy opens his eyes and time was frozen and Jesus was standing above him and Jesus says "You ask me for help? You try to make people believe I’m not real and protest against me and when your about to die you ask me for help!?" the guy was like " I guess your right.... so could you make the bear a Christian?" Jesus says "I suppose so" and time unfreezes and Jesus is gone and the bear stops and puts his head down and puts his hands together and says "Dear lord thank you for this food I am about to receive........"
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NO ANIMALS ALLOWED

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, where they’d decided to buy themselves some pets. He bought a snake while his wife bought a baby skunk. As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says "NO ANIMALS ALLOWED THROUGH CUSTOMS" Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the husband comes up with a plan. "What I’ll do", he said, "is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it’s a snake skin belt" "Yes", his wife replies, "but what about the skunk?" "I don’t know, it’s small enough, you’ll just have to hide it in your panties" "But what about the smell?" the wife asks. To which the husband replies, "F*ck the smell, if it dies it dies!"
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Got anything smaller

One rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Garden Street," answered the woman. "OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?" "Well ma’am”, replied the driver, “I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller ?"
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Pay attention

You'll be pleased to know that I've had enough tonight. I'm oft to bed oftA group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body. “As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth. “Now do the same,” he instructs. The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it. When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”
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I just sat behind him

An young guy from New York is driving through a remote part of Texas when his car breaks down. A few minutes later, an Indian on horseback comes along and offers him a ride to a nearby town. He climbs up behind him on the horse and they ride off. Every few minutes, the Indian lets out a whoop so loud that it echoes from the surrounding hills. When they arrive in town, the Indian lets him off at a service station and yells one final “Yahoo!” before riding off. “What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” the service-station attendant asks. “Nothing,” The cute guy says, “I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.” “Boy,” the attendant says, “Indians ride bareback.”